I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
