i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
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Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
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Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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