I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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