Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
