I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
