I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Randomize
