I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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