Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
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Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
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I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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