He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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