i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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