If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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