WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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