im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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