My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
