I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
