o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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