why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
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