You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
