I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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