i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
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Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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