I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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