After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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