sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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