Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
