he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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