i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
