Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
