I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
