Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
