my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
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i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
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I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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