the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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