I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
