i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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