Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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