I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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