When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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