im holly from the hills drunk
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
