just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
