You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
