can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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