Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
