I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
