We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
