i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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