bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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