i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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