cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
