the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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