so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
