How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
