I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
