Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
