Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
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If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
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Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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